Goodbye, Perfectionism

Starting this blog came with a steep learning curve.

I’m no tech whiz and I’m learning as I go along.

One of the things I’ve really struggled with lately, in addition to multitasking and rushing (see my post on slowing down) is how to find a sense of ease with consistently writing blog posts and emails.

Ease with writing.  Sounds so simple, right?

• Come up with an idea from a common concern I hear at work.
• Do a quick outline: intro, discussion, common questions, conclusion.
• Proofread.
• Copy/paste to blog.
• Add a picture.
• Press Publish.

Rinse and repeat.

It’s not as if I’m aiming to write the next great short story or poetry collection.  I’m here breaking down topics about periods, vaginas, and menopause.  Pretty concrete, cut and dry things.  So, what’s the problem?

Well, I have been grappling with perfectionism that was limiting what I produced for the blog.

Then, I had an epiphany about my stress with writing: Much to my chagrin, I realized that I was struggling to create emails and posts because of a fear of not being good enough and a fear of not being liked.

Yes, indeedy.  My name is Kristi Angevine, I’m 38 years old and I’ve been working this blog like I was going to get the smack down and be the last kid chosen for dodge ball, all because of my mediocre writing.

As you can imagine, that felt ridiculous.

Although I used to write a lot in college, (thanks to my humanities-heavy course load and UT-Chattanooga professors, Jackson, Hood, Fulton, etc), it’s been ages since I exercised the skill of writing regularly.

My days are spent talking with patients, not writing to patients.

Therefore, while sometimes, I type a blog post and publish it quickly, the other 99 out of 100 times, I over-edit a post for weeks before nervously pressing “Publish”.

I’ve struggled trying to find that sweet spot between sloppy writing and agonizing over finding the perfect phrase or word.

For example, I want to make a pregnancy education program.

As it fleshed out, I thought, this guide MUST be the most helpful, beautiful, eloquent, smartly written guide ever created.

In the whole wide world.

It must be thorough, yet succinct, so the mom-to-be on the go, gets the perfect sound bite to make her day easy breezy. To this end, I envied my friends who seem so easily articulate when it comes to writing. I longed to download, Matrix-style, the skills of a great copywriter.

Ironically, in the same breath, I would nod enthusiastically when I read things like, Robert Schuller’s reminder that it’s “better to do something imperfectly, than to do nothing flawlessly.”

As I ping ponged between wanting to be perfect and pretending to embrace the imperfect beauty of a messy life, it dawned on me: I was nervous that I would be judged harshly if my work wasn’t just perfect.  It was just like middle school.  Am I seriously reliving that angst again??

I realized it boiled down to this: I was scared of rejection and worried that what I was creating wouldn’t be very good.

Maybe someone else will write better posts.  Maybe someone else has already written about this, and maybe they did it in a cooler, funnier, more sophisticated and witty way.

What if this post is so bad that people don’t ever want to read another one?  What if my grammar, word choices, structure seem messy? Won’t that be unprofessional?  What if some new piece of research comes out that I haven’t read yet?

And if my posts weren’t just perfect, people might not like me.  Wait a minute- I am holding back because of that…??

When I realized I was getting wrapped up in something that I have no control over, the lightbulb came on:  It’s OK if what I make isn’t perfect and it’s OK if people don’t like me (enter Stuart Smalley, a box of tissues and canned laughter).  And it’s pretty absurd to be unproductive for those reasons.

I’ll probably never completely rid myself of this undercurrent of concern about what other people might think.  But, for now, I’m choosing to relegate that fear to the back burner.  So, going forward, I may dictate an email while I’m on the go, just to block my tendency to re-read, revise, and take forfreakingever to get a paragraph finished.  I may have typos (gasp).  Ok, I WILL have typos.  I will fall short of the original script in my head. But, I will also be more present.  I will have a more conversational tone, because that’s more in sync with what I do everyday. And I’m hopeful that this will help me be more prolific with blog posts and emails.

Here’s to more fun, more writing and less perfection-paralysis.  Up next, a refresher about, drum roll please…..one of my favorite topics….wait for it….Pap smears.